Thursday, November 18, 2010

A hard few weeks

I don't know what is making me post about this, I had decided a bit ago that I wanted as few as possible to know but for some reason I feel like I need to get this out. The beginning of September we found out that I was pregnant again. We of course were SHOCKED and scrambled to try and get our head around it. I struggled at first because we had just decided we were done having kids and I was excited to get my body back, but after a few days I found my knees and prayed. As I prayed I felt peace. A peace I have never felt before. And as I prayed a story played out in my head.

A Happy Little Family
Once upon a time there was a happy little family. There was a mommy, a daddy, a little girl named Abby, a little girl named Joslynn, and a baby boy named Tristan. The mommy and daddy of this family felt that their happy little family was complete. But they didn’t know that up in heaven a little spirit waited to join their happy family. As this spirit waited patiently the mommy and daddy decided that they didn’t want to have anymore kids. The little spirit was devastated. “What do we do?” She asked heavenly father. Heavenly father picked her up and hugged her. “I’m afraid there is only one thing we can do, we need to send you down to join the happy little family.” he said sitting her on his knee. “But they aren’t ready yet, Brother just barely went down” she said with tears in her eyes. “I’m afraid my little one that if we wait any longer it will be too late.” He said wiping her tears. So with that he hugged her one more time and sent her right down to the happy little family knowing that if he waited a second more it would be too late for the little spirit. Heavenly father watched as the mommy and daddy of the happy little family learned that they would be having another little spirit joining their family, and when it seemed too much for the mommy of the happy little family he sent the holy ghost to comfort her and help her understand what happened in heaven and why the little spirit was coming so soon. And so this happy little family of 5 was soon to be a happy little family of 6 as they eagerly awaited the arrival of the little spirit so lovingly sent by heavenly father.

I felt like everything was going to be ok and after sharing it with Phil we began to get very excited about this little spirit. But our second ultrasound at 11 weeks showed that the baby had no heart beat and was measuring smaller than that. I was given my options. Having been through this several times before I knew that I wanted to wait and miscarry on my own. but weeks later nothing had happened and I began to run a high fever. My doctor told me I had an infection and I couldn't wait any longer. He put me on a prescription that would make my uterus contract to help me along. It was the most painful and longest 3 days of my life, but after only 4 hours of light bleeding I still hadn't miscarried. So I was scheduled for a D&C. This would be my third and I was dreading it. Yesterday was a long day at the hospital but its finally done and I can feel like I can try and move on. Before they put me under my doctor was talking to me, he is just such a great man and he expressed how sorry he was that we were having to do this yet again. He looked at my chart and told me that this was my 11th pregnancy and he hoped and prayed that my next one would have a very different result. Even though I have been through this 8 times now I can't complain because out of those 11 pregnancies I have gotten 3 beautiful amazing kids and I count myself very lucky and blessed. This experience has been very hard and I have not quite come to understand everything yet but I feel strongly that when we are ready there is another little spirit waiting up there to join our happy little family and I can't wait to meet them.


Adrienne said...

I am so sorry for your loss Lyndsie. Please know that you are in my prayers. I am thankful that you have felt the comfort from the Holy Ghost. We love you!

Dawn said...

As I think of all you have been through I amazed! You are so young to have gone through so many things in your life! I look up to you and your courage to stay true to the faith and not give up! Please know how very sorry at your loss. We pray for you every day!

Erin said...

So sorry to hear about all that has been going on. Miscarriages just suck, it's a fact. I hope that you are starting to heal. Let me know if I can do anything for you! Love ya!

Anonymous said...

I'm so sorry for your losses!! Hopefully the new year will bring a brighter year! It's one of those things you wish it never had to happen.

The Nielson's